I have recently started to see a trend of greater numbers of students coming to me to share their hopes and desires of developing more (or better) friendships. Not only do I really applaud and admire students vulnerably sharing this important heart-wish, or drive, to make more deeper and meaningful connections with their peers, but it is also one of my most favorite areas to try to help my students. Making friends can be scary—especially, for brand-new students; students who have had difficulty making friends in the past; and for students who fear rejection—but it does not always have to be that way.

I tell my students all the time: Being a teenager is not easy, and having a lack of friends can often make this life stage even more difficult to traverse. Having friends—in any stage of life—is a tremendous joy and, perhaps, even more so during the teenage years.

With that, let us look at a few tried-and-true things that students can do to grow their friendships.

#1: Give another student a genuine compliment:

Let’s face it, we all like when someone says something nice about us. It feels good to have someone see the good in us and acknowledge it in a way that personally connects or resonates. Giving a genuine compliment does not have to be weird or awkward, either. It can be something as simple as, “hey, I really like your new shoes!” Or, it can be something deeper like, “I really like the way that you were nice to that other person when they needed help.” When someone gives us a compliment, we often let our guard down; we feel like we can trust and connect with the person giving us the gift of something that makes us feel good about ourselves. Words matter, and when someone shares something with us that builds us up and makes us feel good, we are much more receptive to building a connection with them. For students, it’s no different: Compliments build connections. Kindness; goodness; and genuineness truly make a different.  If you are a student, leverage genuine compliments to grow your friendships.

#2 Ask questions (and listen to remember):

It’s human nature for many of us to enjoy talking about ourselves. It’s not necessarily selfish or inherently ego-driven, either. If compliments build connections, so do asking others genuine questions and then deeply listening and remembering what they shared with us. For students, simply listening to a peer and showing an interest in their life can make all the difference in the world with gaining a new friend (especially on those bad days for the other person). Furthermore, if students leverage question-asking, then they can more easily (or more quickly) ascertain if the person that they are talking to might be a potential friend. Asking good, genuine questions shows strong emotional intelligence and helps to build trust and connection.

#3 Look For common interests and values:

If providing genuine compliments and asking good questions can help us to build connections with others, one of the areas where it can prove to be most effective is with finding out what it is that we hold in common with others. In my Undergraduate studies, I was a Social Studies Major. I guess I have always found people unique and fascinating. Even so, I always try to find something that connects me to that person. It could be our shared interests; values; where we come from; our goals; our dreams—or even something entirely else. But friendships are usually built on finding out what it is that we hold in common with each other. Extra-savvy students often seem to know this rather intuitively, but for students still struggling to build connections: Don’t give up hope! Look for others students that share some–or many of–the same things that are important to you.

#4 Get involved and put yourself out there:

This is perhaps the scariest—but also the most powerful—step to making more friends in school. Trying out for a team; joining the school band; or signing up for a club all are things that can be intimidating or fearful for some students—but that’s also exactly why they are powerful, because the pay-off can be tremendous. It is hard for many of us to put ourselves out there, so to speak; to take the initiative to let others see ourselves or to be seen. But it is almost always one of quickest and most meaningful ways for students to cultivate true friendships. Having teammates; people in your music section; or peers involved, side-by-side, in the same clubs or organizations that you are in can forge a bond and spark a connection in deeper, more meaningful ways that just about anything else I can think of. So, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there (to your comfort level, of course) and see what friendships await you!